not good

Hello. I went to the movies on Friday - New Moon, for my daughters 18th birthday. 18 is the legal age here in Alberta, my little girl is now an adult. Hmmmmm...

Not a good last few days. I had a great day on Thursday - I should not have come home. I came bearing surprises and treats - not big things, just little snacky type things, foods for lunch the next day, and.........

I think my life is going to change. What do I mean 'think', it has. My then still 17 yr old fell down the stairs - I jumped up to make sure she was okay, it souned like she really got hurt. Well, I got told where to go and basically how to get there. Guess that means she's okay - but being the mom I am, I waited a bit to go check on her again. What a bitch I am. Well, I found out on Thursday night, I am a horrible mother. Not from my daughter, from my drunk husband. That is aways fun to come to - but I guess that our marriage is over and we are done. He's keeping the girls and I can leave or he will.

I will go.

And now, a few days later, - you know what, it just doesn't matter anymore. 20 years we've been together, and now, I don't care anymore. Since I am such a horrible mother - I just want out. Yeah, I have kids who are in gangs (yeah right), never home (wrong again), I never know where they are and the friends they hang out with are all trouble (oops, try that I always know where they are and their friends are great). What a horrible mother I have been. My temper is what classifies me as such a terror. Yes, this is true. I do have a temper and when pushed, I do loose it sometimes. BUT - I have never hidden this fact. EVER. When I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it. What a bitch.

So, I am working on the how to's to leaving. We are not finacially able to have me up and go, and my thing is, where do I go??

It's funny to think about leaving you know. I have already been thinking what is coming with me. Weird things - the fish are mine. And what I don't care if I have or not. My books, some are coming with me - they are mine. Scatterd thoughts right now.
And how to support myself out there. My biggest thought is I do not want to be anywhere near here. I want to be long gone. So, this is my life right now. And no, I have not been creative in any real sense of the word, but I do have to clean up my sewing room. In boxes. This is so sur-real. Did I even spell that right???

That why I needed the laugh Myra. Thanks again. Oh, and I was already shopping for Christmas - I was in such a great place on Thursday................ how things can change.
sorry for this horrible post.