Monday, November 23, 2009

not good

Hello. I went to the movies on Friday - New Moon, for my daughters 18th birthday. 18 is the legal age here in Alberta, my little girl is now an adult. Hmmmmm...

Not a good last few days. I had a great day on Thursday - I should not have come home. I came bearing surprises and treats - not big things, just little snacky type things, foods for lunch the next day, and.........

I think my life is going to change. What do I mean 'think', it has. My then still 17 yr old fell down the stairs - I jumped up to make sure she was okay, it souned like she really got hurt. Well, I got told where to go and basically how to get there. Guess that means she's okay - but being the mom I am, I waited a bit to go check on her again. What a bitch I am. Well, I found out on Thursday night, I am a horrible mother. Not from my daughter, from my drunk husband. That is aways fun to come to - but I guess that our marriage is over and we are done. He's keeping the girls and I can leave or he will.

I will go.

And now, a few days later, - you know what, it just doesn't matter anymore. 20 years we've been together, and now, I don't care anymore. Since I am such a horrible mother - I just want out. Yeah, I have kids who are in gangs (yeah right), never home (wrong again), I never know where they are and the friends they hang out with are all trouble (oops, try that I always know where they are and their friends are great). What a horrible mother I have been. My temper is what classifies me as such a terror. Yes, this is true. I do have a temper and when pushed, I do loose it sometimes. BUT - I have never hidden this fact. EVER. When I do something wrong, I am the first to admit it. What a bitch.

So, I am working on the how to's to leaving. We are not finacially able to have me up and go, and my thing is, where do I go??

It's funny to think about leaving you know. I have already been thinking what is coming with me. Weird things - the fish are mine. And what I don't care if I have or not. My books, some are coming with me - they are mine. Scatterd thoughts right now.
And how to support myself out there. My biggest thought is I do not want to be anywhere near here. I want to be long gone. So, this is my life right now. And no, I have not been creative in any real sense of the word, but I do have to clean up my sewing room. In boxes. This is so sur-real. Did I even spell that right???

That why I needed the laugh Myra. Thanks again. Oh, and I was already shopping for Christmas - I was in such a great place on Thursday................ how things can change.
sorry for this horrible post.


  1. I'm sorry. That sounds like a rough few days. I split from my ex almost 4 years ago, and it's no fun while in progress. But you can be in a much better place in the end. Email me (I'm on your followers list) if you want to chat.

  2. Oh my goodness Brenda!!! No wonder you've been barely visible here... I imagine since you up and got a full time job that this has been in the making for a while, and not just this weekend... I am sorry to hear you are going through this struggle... God be with you as you contemplate your journey from here...
    I'm an email away if you need to vent/brainstorm...

  3. I'm sorry Brenda that you've had a rough time of it recently. We'll be here to listen when you need to rant and rave and plan the next step in your life.

  4. Brenda, my heart goes out to you!! Isn't it funny how you can be on such a high and one bad word or response from the family makes it all come crashing down? But you will make it through this tough time!

  5. Dear Brenda,

    I am so sorry! We seem to be in about the same place. Leaving is never far from my mind, but then it's always "Where Would I go?" Everything, including the car, is in his name. We in a tight spot.

    Know that I will be thinking about you all the time. I hope things work out for you one way or the other....

  6. Oh Brenda! {{{hugs}}} You know, I am here for you too! I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

  7. Oh dear Brenda, I have been where you are and can feel all your thoughts tumbling through your head...I pray you are able to resolve this situation without to much stress on are a good person and don't deserve to be treated like a doormat..please use your blog as a sounding board as many in the cyber world care (even this slack blogger who reads often but is slack in posting comments)cheers Vickie