I have to get ready to get to work. I didn't realize yesterday, but today putting my hours on the calander here at home - next week, I am working till 10 at night, and leaving here by 2:30 ish. Meaning, I will not see my kids. I leave before they get home from school, and am home at 11 at night.
Not happy. Not happy at all. During Christmas rush, okay, but not now. Not now. I am just a cog in the machine and - I am frustrated. Very frustrated. Every one there, who realizes how far I drive to get there, tells me I'm crazy!! They think their 15 minute comute is long!!
I actually have been enjoying the drive. I listen to audio books and it's nice. BUT, I do not like drivng at night, and now that it's January, real winter weather will be here soon - and I should not complain. Reality is, I need the job right now. I want to phone in sick today - I am just tired. Really tired. And part of me is going "NO!! Do not do it!!!!!" The other part, the evil part is egging me on.......... "Who's gonna care?? They won't even miss you. You are just a number" Well, it's true. Crap!
I am finding myself a place to be that pays me well, to do things I enjoy and work with people who matter to me and I matter to them. And lets me have time with my family - that has been missing too. I have not had a real meal with them since I started this job in Oct. When I am home on a day off, I am tired. Tired! I am so tired of being tired. It makes me emotional, frustrated, angry and I cry at the drop of a hat. Oh, how mature is that????
Like one day, I went in to work, and found myself early, and that was enought to make me cry. You can't start till your start time, so I wandered around the store for a few minutes, feeling - stupid, useless, just all those bad feelings. If I had been there on time, I would have just got busy working - but no, I had to be early. Went to the washroom and burst into tears. I could not stop crying!!! I walked out, didn't even try to hide the tears, how could I??? They wouldn't stop, and asked if I could just go home?? She said yes, so I left. And went to a green house and walked around it for an hour. No real plants, christmas stuff yes, and large trees but I finally, after the hour, didn't have tears coming down my face.
I am phoning in. I am spending the day with my family.
And I am looking for another job.